During a call a few days ago, I was put on the spot between two colleagues debating who was right in how to handle a situation. One was firm in her stance and voiced her conviction. The other, equally passionate, laid out her solution, completely contradicting the first and ending the retort with what I consider to be the most dreaded words in a “monkey in the middle” conversation: ”Right, Jennifer?”
By: Jennifer Calise Co-Founder Long Island Web Design Company fishbat
During a call a few days ago, I was put on the spot between two colleagues debating who was right in how to handle a situation. One was firm in her stance and voiced her conviction. The other, equally passionate, laid out her solution, completely contradicting the first and ending the retort with what I consider to be the most dreaded words in a “monkey in the middle” conversation: ”Right, Jennifer?”
In just two words, I am immediately placed between two individuals, each convinced that their side is “right” — two people waiting to see who I would deem victorious in this game.
My response was not what they had expected.
I laid out my agreement in that they both had valid points, highlighting where each party was correct. I restated the fact that we were all committed to the same purpose, followed by a decision on how we should move forward — and then moved the conversation on.
After the call, I was contacted by an attendee praising my “smoothness,” my diplomatic approach, and how I calmly steered the conversation without getting caught in the middle. I was basically told I should write a book on how to “handle” people.
WHAT?!
While I was flattered at the compliments (umm, hello?! OF COURSE, I am smooth as silk, y’all), I was immediately filled with a sense of sadness.
Don’t we as leaders in companies have a responsibility to listen to all sides, and then make the conversation about the best solution — not fuel egos or popularity contests? Spirited conversation is wonderful, but not when its main purpose is to crown a “golden child” at the end of it.
The greatest example of the diminished value of diplomacy on a national stage is the rise in popularity of Donald Trump. He is aggressive, divisive, and seems to go out of his way NOT to be diplomatic. Many of his constituents applaud this attitude, claiming it makes him “strong” – not “weak” or “passive.”
But I ask, when did lacking diplomacy become synonymous with strength?
True strength in leadership is not screaming the loudest or making decisions in a manner that feeds or crushes egos. It is finding the value in the discussion, celebrating the participation, and finding each individual’s value in a way that breeds unity — not destroys it.
True leadership is defined by diplomacy even in the act of making decisions. The ability to create a common purpose and arrive at the best decision sans ego is the mark of a great leader. Anyone can “choose” a side, but how many of us can make choices and still make ALL parties feel heard and respected?
The amazing part of diplomacy is that while it is powerful, it does not take dramatic measures to become part of your leadership style or company culture.
I have found just these five practices can make a huge difference in making diplomacy part of your leadership style:
- Check your own ego. Humility and respect are contagious.
- Remove the words “right” and “wrong” from your evaluation of other’s suggestions. These words denote judgment. Instead, point out the potential benefits and consequences of a suggestion.
- Celebrate concepts rather than personalize victories. It is the difference between saying “I love YOUR idea Jennifer” and “Doing X will get us the best result.”
- Speak kindly. Nothing will stop the flow of sharing ideas as quickly as criticism and judgment.
- Praise great work. Always. When people feel appreciated and celebrated for their unique value, they feel motivated to contribute and do not feel threatened by others.
Just a tip of the hat to the opposition – some will say diplomacy is not necessary for success. They will point out wildly successful companies like Apple where leaders like Steve Jobs were incredibly undiplomatic. To them, I say, sure. You can have a wildly successful company without diplomacy, but you will never be a successful human being, and your success, no matter how large, will be self-limited.
Diplomacy is not saying everyone is “right.” It is saying that everyone deserves respect and a seat at the table. It is saying that the conversation and all participants are just as valuable as the ultimate solution. Diplomacy is not weakness, and it is not the path of least resistance. It is the way we all win without regard to personal victory.
Do you utilize these tips in your company’s leadership strategy? Let the fishbat team know your thoughts in the comments below!
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